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October Is

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I was reminded earlier why I started sharing my story here and why I need to continue- to spread awareness and to let others know that they are not alone. The statistic is that 1 in 4 women will have a miscarriage, stillbirth, or have an infant die. That means that you probably know someone who is walking through this life with someone missing.

The reason as to why our baby(ies) died may not be the same, but in the end they died. That is what brings us together as a community. It’s a group that you don’t want to be apart of and those who are don’t want anyone else to join. But if you do have to join, you’ll be welcomed with open arms.

I am working on getting resources together of books, websites, other bloggers, podcasts, etc. to follow along that have helped me on this life after loss. As soon as I do get them together, I’ll share them.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month was first declared by President Ronald Reagan on October 15, 1988. On that day he said:  
“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.
Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.” (from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep)

Life Update

I haven’t shared much recently because I’m not sure what to share anymore. It has been just over 7 months since we’ve had Aaron and life keeps moving forward. That has been hard. We have to accept that Aaron is no longer with us and that is something I struggle with daily.

I was really hoping by this point that we would be expecting another child. I was hopeful that when my doctor cleared us to start trying again in January that it wouldn’t take long to conceive. I don’t consider this long yet, but I worry that it will be months before (or even if) we will get to see those two pink lines again.

And let me share, trying after loss plays games on me. I struggled more than anyone knew when we tried for Aaron. After about the 3rd month of trying, I would cry every month from not getting to see those pink lines. So now that I know that even if we get to see those lines doesn’t always mean that we get to bring home a baby, it can mess with my mind. I mostly am waiting to see those lines, but as soon as I see them I know that it will bring up other mixed emotions.

I know that I am guaranteed high risk now after losing Aaron. We don’t know yet what that will look like for future pregnancies. My doctor has tested for a few different clotting disorders to rule those out. One came back out of range, but we are waiting for recheck results to see how we proceed with that. We don’t have a set plan yet for how it will look because it could change depending on when we get pregnant again.

So, in this waiting game we pray. We pray that God is kept center in our lives where He needs to be. We pray that He will give us the blessing of raising a child to know Him. We pray that He heals the pain we still carry daily of our loss. I pray that He helps my anxiety and stress. I pray that He gives me peace in knowing that He already knows when/if we will have another child.

word of the year: HOPE

my word of the year: HOPE.

I have hope for the new year. I hope in His word. I hope in Him. I don't know what this year will bring us. I have learned over last year that I can make plans but in the end they may not be His plans. Here are some scriptures with hope mentioned in them that I am holding onto this year:
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. ~Romans 15:13 ESV

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. ~Romans 12:12 ESV

You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word. ~Psalm 119:114 ESV

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." ~Lamentations 3:24 ESV

Do you have a word of the year?

We Made It

We made it through. I questioned it at times, but we did it. The holidays after loss are difficult. It was difficult going through and seeing all the social media posts from others who have their baby with them. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them. But it doesn't take the pain of not having Aaron with us.

Aaron's due date was three days before my birthday. My birthday was two days before Thanksgiving. That was the start of holidays this year. Aaron's due date wasn't as hard as I had imagined. I guess I never thought that he would be born on that day, but I always thought that I would be holding him on my birthday. It hit me hard that I didn't get to hold my baby on my birthday.

Skip a few days to Thanksgiving and I saw so many "First Thanksgiving" posts from people I know who got to bring their baby home. Fast forward to Christmas, I got to see those post on repeat for "First Christmas" posts. I'm glad that most don't know the pain you can have when seeing these.

For us who have lost a child this year, it was a year of firsts but not lasts. It was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas that we are missing someone. But it won't be the last one. We have to go through every year knowing that our child will always be missing.

We made it. The year is finishing out and I am know things have changed from the loss of Aaron. Our marriage has been strengthened. My faith is stronger. I have a hope for the future that I didn't have before. I have a peace in knowing that God is always with me and that even in my worst, He still cares for me.

To Aaron

To my baby Aaron,

I want to tell you it wasn't supposed to be this way. I guess the hard truth is the fact it was supposed to be this way. Because of sin we have death and sorrow in the world. For you, my son, it is the best outcome. You didn't have to grow up in a world of sin. You didn't have to experience sadness or death. You get to be rejoicing with our God. We are the ones who have to experience sorrows and pain of this life. I am grateful that you don't. I think any parents wants the best for their child and would take the pain and suffering so they don't have to. And I will gladly take that for you.

We didn't expect that our tears would be tears of sadness on the day we met you. I thought there would be tears of joy. We also didn't think that you would come 11 weeks early, but you did.

I am so thankful for the doctors and nurses who helped bring you into this world. We will always remember what  they did for us. I am thankful for your dad who drove as quickly as he could to get us to the hospital. I am thankful for the support  we have to help get us through the loss of you.

Words cannot express how much I miss you. Or how much I love you. They can't show the pain we have from you not being here. We have learned that grief is like an ocean and we still don't know when to expect the waves that knock us over. We are getting a better idea though. Today is one of those days.

When I got a positive test back in March, I had a different picture to how today would look. I thought we would be holding you and showing you off to to everyone we know. Instead we drove to where you are resting.

I always thought you would be the best birthday gift. And you still are. I am your mom and I am proud of that. I still wish (and always will) that I could hold you right now.

Not a day has gone by that I don't think of you every second. It is true that where your treasure is your heart will be also. Mine is with you. You are my treasure. You are perfect. You will always be my baby.

I love you.

Acceptance: Week 6

Each week since Aaron was born I’ve written a letter to him. This week I wanted to share it. 
This week was hard for me as I packed up your room. I’ve had a hard time accepting you not being here but there is nothing I can do to change that you aren’t coming home with us. I shared with your dad a few weeks ago the struggle I was having with accepting how our future has changed. It is not right that you are no longer here with us. Yet I know you are rejoicing in heaven. 

I have to accept that I am not in control. I have to accept that all of our days have been numbered for longer than I can know. I have to accept that your days were numbered to 203. I have to accept that I don’t get to bring you home. That I won’t get to hold you anymore on this side of earth. I can’t do anything to change it. 

I am so thankful for the 29 weeks that God gave us you. I’m thankful that I got to meet you and hold you and tell you how much I love you. I still wish I could bring you home and watch you grow up. I wish that my plans hadn’t changed because that would mean you would be here. I love and miss you so much.

     For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  ~Isaiah 55:8-9

Life as I Know

When I first started this blog I had great things I wanted to write about. I never thought I would be using it to write about the loss of our first son, Aaron Samuel. I never imagined life would go this way. Yet through the trials we are going through I know that God is faithful and He has a greater plan.

Let me share a little of my story before I continue with where I am now. I am a young wife. I got married in January of 2016 to my husband. It has been seven years (almost to the day) since I started dating him. The main thing we had in common was our love for our Savior, Jesus Christ. He constantly encourages me to grow closer to the Lord. I'm so blessed to be able to call him my husband.

When we got married, we both knew that we wanted to wait a little bit before starting a family. We waited just over a year before we started trying to get pregnant. Over the time that we waited I realized how much I wanted to have children. We had friends have their babies in our time of waiting and the desire grew in me. When we did start trying I thought it would happen pretty quick. It wasn't until almost 10 months later that we got the positive test. That day was March 14, 2018. I will always remember being in shock that I got the two pink lines. I will always remember my A's reaction when I showed him the test... "That is your sister's right?" was all he said and then got totally excited when he found out it was for us.

Everything seemed to be going smoothly throughout the pregnancy until the day Aaron came. There wasn't one thing that had happened out of the normal for this pregnancy. 29 weeks of everything being okay. And then on September 1, 2018 at 2:39 AM, I went into labor. I knew it wasn't right and that I wouldn't be bringing my baby home when it happened, but I prayed I was wrong. Aaron was born at 5:06 and he fought to live. He held on long enough to have us meet our precious son and tell him how much we love him. Now he is with our Savior in heaven. He never had to experience the pain of this fallen world and instead only knows the love we have for him.

Life will never be the same. I will never get to have the "firsts" with my son that people around me are having. But I know that it is just a temporary separation, and one day I will be with my son again. I know that this life is temporary and I know that God has a plan bigger than I can imagine. In the waiting I can rest in His Word and continue to live for Him.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18